


Tweety Bird

by CityofAangels



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bucky is a little shit, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Steve does Twitter, Technology, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 09:14:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17363237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CityofAangels/pseuds/CityofAangels
Summary: Steve Rogers, @CapRogersDear All Technology,Remember the 30's when you just WORKED??? I don't need a 'smart' feature on my TV, thermostat, lights, music, refrigerator, security cameras, and f-ing car. You're a major pain in all of our asses. You're not worth it.Signed,Everyone//Iron Man, @YouKnowWhoIAmhey @HulkBanner looks like Cap needs a little tutoring from the science bros.





	Tweety Bird

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> This is just a little silly something to get back to writing because it has one been one hell of a long time.
> 
> I'm late, but Happy New Year everyone!
> 
> As usual, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated :)
> 
> Enjoy ;)

Tony was working on the latest improvement for Bucky's newest body armor when his phone chirped, with the easy recognizable two-notes tone of a Twitter notification. He didn't get many of those any more – he'd asked Jarvis to block all but the most interesting, sick of reading thousands of _Are you and Natasha together?_ , _How's Thor in bed?_ and other _I ship_ 's literally every time that he posted a picture of him and another Avenger.

This, though, this Jarvis had been right to warn him about. He started laughing just reading the first few words.

 

**Steve Rogers, @CapRogers**

_Dear All Technology,_

_Remember the 30's when you just WORKED??? I don't need a 'smart' feature on my TV, thermostat, lights, music, refrigerator, security cameras, and f-ing car. You're a major pain in all of our asses. You're not worth it._

_Signed,_

_Everyone_

 

Who even tweeted like that anymore? No one, that's who. Closing the screen he'd been working on with a swipe of his hands to open his Twitter account, Tony typed on the hologram of a keyboard.

 

**Iron Man, @YouKnowWhoIAm**

hey @HulkBanner looks like Cap needs a little tutoring from the science bros.

 

He grinned and stretched, popping all of his vertebrae back in place – god, he really was getting old, wasn't he?

 

''Hey, J, close the project, alright? Icy Snowman'll have to wait one more day for this. I have to get to the Capsel in distress.''

 

Jarvis refrained from making a comment (which was probably wise), but the screens all turned off, the lights twinkling off too as Tony walked to the elevator. He pressed the button – a _smart_ button, that only activated if the fingerprints of the person using them were approved – and stepped into his _smart_ elevator, which was activated by voice command. Waiting for it to go up to the upper floors, he took his phone (his _smart_ phone) out of his pocket, met with the delightful sight of an answer by Bruce. 

 

**Dr. Bruce Banner, @HulkBanner**

Call or DM us whenever you need assistance, @CapRogers. Also language.

 

He laughed loudly – this would never get old, not when mister goody two shoes in public actually swore like a sailor behind closed doors… especially behind the closed door of their bedroom. He couldn't help but look at the number of retweets and likes they'd already had: his answer had a grand total of a thousand answers already, and retweets were going crazily up by the second. His ( _smart_ ) elevator pinged softly to let him know that he'd reached the floor of the penthouse, where Steve would probably be…

 

''Fucking _hell_ , you goddamn piece of shitty crap, I–''

 

Where Steve would probably be busy swearing at his tablet like a slightly crazy but also very touching old man. Yep.

 

''You alright there, honey?''

 

This just led to a new series of frankly inventive swear words, ending in a worrying crack just as Tony was stepping out of the kitchen, a cup of hot coffee between his hands. Well. He'd been planning to test some stronger materials for his range of tablets and smartphones anyway; his plans had just been brought forward a little. Unsurprisingly, Steve was still sitting down in the living room, but rather than swearing, he was now looking down sheepishly at his now-deceased tablet, which was sporting an almost artistic crack right down the middle. Trust Steve to be an artist even when he was breaking things. _The new Banksy_ , Tony thought with a little internal chuckle.

 

''Well, that looks bad. I'll probably have to change the packaging and add that it can't resist the full wrath of a supersoldier.''

 

He leaned down to pick it up and, sure enough, the screen was wrecked, colors flashing on and off on it. There had been enough resistance testing in Tony's workshop (mostly Dum-E, U and Butterfingers picking the things up, which always, always ended in the thing falling to the floor) for him to know that the poor tablet didn't just _drop_ out of Steve's hands. Oh no, sir, there had been purpose, _meanness_ behind this. Nice and polite Captain America was a violent man when he held grudges – even if it was against some poor and innocent piece of technology.

 

''I saw your _tweet_ ,'' Steve groaned, pronouncing this word like he would have said _Hitler_ or, maybe, _Donald Trump_. ''D'ya think of yourself as a funny guy?''

''Most of the time? Yep. And come on, did you really think I could ignore your distress? I certainly couldn't; I'm your husband after all. _And_ a technology genius, too. As far as tutors go, you probably couldn't find anyone better.''

 

He swiped Steve's latest Starkphone out of his pocket – ignoring his cry of protest – and opened it up, noting with some glee that his code was both of their birth years.

 

''Alright, Mister Grumpy. What went wrong?''

''What _didn't_ go wrong, you mean?'' Steve threw himself back against the couch's backrest with a groan that went a little overboard in its despair. ''First things first, I wake up with an alarm blaring some sort of _demonic_ sound into my ears, and–''

''Did you just call _ACDC_ a _demonic group_? That's it, that's the last straw. We're getting a divorce.''

 

As he usually did whenever Tony announced he was asking for a divorce (somewhere between five and ten times a day on the best days), Steve just rolled his eyes and kept right on talking.

 

''And I couldn't turn it off. This thing has no _snooze button_ , Tony. Actually, no, scratch that: this thing has. No. Button. At. All.''

 

Oh man, he'd married a drama queen. And that was just the beginning; he needed to focus before Steve decided to kill two birds in one stone and use his tablet to knock out his husband.

 

''So, after this _terrible_ song kept going louder and louder, I had to scream for Jarvis to turn it off! Then I went to take a bath, and the mirror _talked to me_.''

''Oh, right. I forgot to tell you that–''

''You forgot to tell me that there's a _fucking AI named Bob that now lives in our bathroom mirror_?''

''C'me on now, you know that's not how it wor–''

''And do you know what Bob told me? He told me that my shirt didn't match with my pants!''

 

As discreetly as he could, Tony looked down. Conclusion: at least he'd managed to create an AI that had a true sense of fashion. He wasn't about to say that to Steve, though. He'd just strip him off later.

 

''Is that it?''

''No, Tony, no, that is not _it_.''

''Oh. Alrighty, then, keep it going.''

 

Steve seemed slightly discouraged by Tony's lack of anger, but it just lasted for the blink of an eye before he was off again.

 

''It kept happening all day long! First the lights don't turn on in the closet,'' which could actually explain the shirt, Tony thought, ''then it's burning hot in the kitchen and I can't turn the temperature down, no matter how many times I ask Jarvis, and you _know_ he listens to me usually. Then I discover that there is _music_ when we open our refrigerator now, and–''

''There is _what_?'' Tony asked, reasonably perplexed now.

'' _Music_ , Tony, there is _music_! And that's not it! I wanted to drive out of the city for a run, but do you think I managed?''

''I think you did not.''

''I. Did. Not. Because the car didn't recognize my fingerprints! It said, and I quote, _sorry, Captain Rogers, but these are not your fingers_. Not my fingers? What the hell, Tony?''

''What the hell, indeed. Hey, J, say, were you in a tricky mood today?''

 

There was a tellingly long silence, and then, rather than Jarvis' voice answering, it was Bucky's amused voice that said:

 

''Hey Stevie. Tony. You having any fun?''

''Wha– _Bucky_?''

 

Steve was so offended right now, Tony was almost tempted to take a picture and post it online, under the caption ''Steve every single time POTUS tweets''. But he refrained – barely – and waited for the whole truth to come out.

 

''Yeah, Stevie, it's me. Have you opened your refrigerator yet?''

''Yes, and it played…'' at that, Steve trailed off, and his eyes snapped up, glaring at what he probably thought was a camera (unfortunately, it was a fire alarm, but at least the guy tried).

''The national anthem, right?''

''You… Wait, _you did this_?''

 

Bucky's delighted laughter confirmed Tony's suspicions: his tech never, _ever_ malfunctioned, and while he pleaded guilty on Bob, he'd had the feeling that all of the other things weren't his fault. He was impressed, really: managing to convince Jarvis to play a trick on their resident supersoldier grandpa was quite an accomplishment. He'd have to look into it before Bucky got it in his head to do something as stupid as trying the same on Tony.

While he was getting lost in his thoughts, the discussion had escalated some: now Steve was insulting Bucky in _four_ different languages, and the guy was just dying laughing, by the sounds of it. It ended with Steve hanging up, and, by the look on his face, Tony was pretty sure he was regretting the old telephones where you could bang the receiver. Gesturing to an AI to cut a call off just didn't offer the same kind of dark satisfaction.

A long silence followed, and Tony coughed slightly before finally daring to break it:

 

''You know, if you want to, uh, have a better _relationship_ with technology, I actually developed a line of sextoys that–''

 

Steve's glare was almighty, and Tony couldn't do anything but throw his hands up and make himself as small as possible on the couch. Another day, then. But still, Barnes was going to pay, because he'd wanted to test these new toys _now_.


End file.
